And then comes January and hell literally freezes over. Temps drop 50-60 degrees and we go into a catatonic state of fishing hibernation. Let me give you a taste of this pain…I am now paying a heating bill, and there are palm trees in my backyard…REALLY? REALLY? My pool has a thin coating of ice on it but I’m still paying the pool guys to come skim out the dead frozen frogs. My avocado tree in the backyard is totally dead and I’m fresh out of guacamole for my fresh fish tacos. Those annoying Quaker parrots are gone, the lizards have completely disappeared and I haven’t seen a roach in weeks .

The biggest tragedy is the latest fish kill throughout Tampa bay. The good news is those annoying fucking catfish are littering the shores, but the cold snap devastated the Snook population.

The good news is the Florida Division of Wildlife has closed the Snook harvesting season until September. Anyway, the weather is on a warming trend and I am all out of time for this post. Adios Amigos!

P.S.-Butters, Tits, Gracie, Seems, and all the other Hooligans-I really miss you guys. Even your lame jokes, bad fishing skills, and extremely small appendages.

A frightening trend has reared its head among the ranks of Colorado fly-fishing guides. “Real Jobs”. I can find one example of this within the first 3 contacts in my cell phone and probably another every 3 after that. I am not sure what started this trend, maybe it was the bad economy. But it’s sad and it has to stop. Guiding has more recently become a lifestyle job, with all the pro deals, shows, free schwag, fame, and glory. Why anybody would want to leave a life of no money and fishing for a life of suits, a koosh bank account, and Starbucks is beyond me. Yet more and more guides are trading in their waders for a Kenneth Cole pinstripe. My opinion is this, these guys are getting older and are starting to worry about their future. Fret not my compadres, here is your solution. STOP WORRYING! Go get a Pabst out of your otherwise empty fridge, dump your harpy girlfriend, and keep fishing. I know, I know. Sounds difficult. But, below I will outline an exit strategy for you. Just in case you too were thinking about getting a real job.
First of all, the drinking. This is very important in the life and times of a fly fishing guide. This is the only thing that keeps us sane after a day of telling some douchebag he needs to mend all day. Keep this up, 10-12 beers a night minimum is needed. What ever you do, don’t start drinking Comos and Martinis. This not only makes you a queer, it is also the first sign of becoming a douchy suit who fishes on the weekend, you deserve to get teabagged. I can’t stress this enough, just because you used to guide doesn’t mean you can’t become on of those guys with the Mercedes SUV and a box full of midges. So, in closing on this issue, drink heavily my friends.

Numero Dos. That annoying parakeet you call your girlfriend. “You don’t make enough money”, “Your friends are alcoholics”, “You just went fishing yesterday”, “We cant afford a seven thousand dollar raft”, “Another fly rod?”. All of these statements have rolled out of her good-for-one-thing lips in one form or another. Do you really need to hear that? Shes working a 9-5 at some real estate firm, and you guide. Shes pissed at you for doing what you love. If she could shop for shoes and get paid everything would be fine. You are happy, shes miserable. That’s not okay in her eyes. She wants you to be as miserable as she is. Here’s what you do. Don’t do anything crazy like lighting her car on fire and tell her “I fish when I want you whore”. Simply tell her its not working out and ask her for her hot best friends number. This will surely enrage her. And who knows, maybe she’ll be so pissed she say something like….”You want her number you asshole, here it is!!!!” Have a pen ready at this point. Problem solved. Now go to the nearest bar and take home the cougar who really wants to learn how to fly fish. Done. (I am an expert on this, Cougars first, then flyfishing).

And last but not least…..KEEP FISHING!!!!! One thing I see all too many guides doing is just guiding and not fishing for themselves. This makes you forget why you started guiding in the first place. I recommend an extended vacation within your home waters. AND…. a trip to the tropics. This will invigorate your fly-fishing desire, and send you back into that on-fire state you experienced when you first started. A plea to guides all across the country…..GO FISHING!!!!!!!

There it is. I hope this helps you in your quest to become succesfull and affluent. So forget all that, and keep fighting the good fight. Your sanity is worth more than $100K a year and a company car. And if I see you on the water, pulling up in your Mercedes, wearing a tweed jacket, don’t be surprised if I mercilessly ridicule you, kick your ass, and take your mom out for a seafood dinner.

Your Saviour,
Tommy “Tits” Teabag Teasdale

P.S. We still think you’re cool Tim.

My apologies for MIA over the last several weeks. The move from Colorado to Tampa was a bitch and it took 5 long arduous days to get here, but 4 weeks later we are settling in nicely. Once we finally arrived it was time we got acclimated to the new southern planet, and what a change from Colorado. I did a great deal of scouting around the South Tampa area to first look at what kind of fresh water opportunities I could get into. Let me say…There is water everywhere and aside from gators being in every baby pool size pocket of water, there is also an abundance of weird ass critters. I’ve got Cain toads in my backyard and lizards and geckos running everywhere, not to mention every freakin bug you could imagine. I got stung by a few fire ants and my foot swelled up like a fat mans belly at a Las Vegas buffet. I learned my lesson about meandering through the swamp areas wearing flip flops…I stepped on a 6 foot long water moccasin and this fucker was AGGRRO!!!!, he reared up an started hissing at me really loud (I rank the experience a pucker factor of 10). I abruptly put the freshwater excursions on hold until further notice.

The next action item on my wish list was to start re-educating myself with my saltwater roots. A couple of my buddies took me on an inshore trip outside of Crystal river and we banged grouper all day.

The inshore trip was sweet but I was still itching to get a line wet out on the flats and being a new kid in a new town…I was short on resources. I decided it was time to upgrade to my next vessel…The Stinky Pinky VER. 2.0.

Over the last few weeks Erin and I have been exploring all over Tampa bay and trying to seek out new “Spots”. We have fished at Weedon Island, Alafia River, Cockroach bay, Fort Desoto and a few other backcountry mangrove channels. I have to admit, I am in no way, shape , or form, a good flats fisherman…quite frankly I suck! I give the flats guys down here a shit ton of credit, not only to brave the skinny water, but also catch fish consistently,… it’s a big challenge. I need a lot of practice here, there is something to be said about running 45-50 Mph in 9 inches of water knowing good and well that your boat drafts 10 inches at rest. It only takes one oyster bed to fuck up your day royally and when you’re running fast back into the mangrove channels you gotta commit to the throttle and stay up on plane. Spooky.

This past week Erin and I fished Captiva and Pine Island in the Fort Myers area and this place is generally on fire. Unfortunately we only had 2 tides that day, which I have come to learn provides only marginal fishing and the days with 3-4 tides can be like ringing a chow bell. Incidentally, I managed to land this nice speckled trout on a Gummi Minnow.

Anyway, I am going to continue my studies of the local marine life and I’ll make sure to keep you kids in the loop.

We miss all you guys and its real lonely sometimes when we are just hangin out at the pool sippin martinis and heading out on the flats to stick salty smelly.

Come to Florida, the spare room is usually vacant. (Tits, Butters, Gracie, Alex, Barry, Fwimp, Crims, Seems, Blake, Eburt, Pat, Zwick, Wells, and all you other fly fishy bitches).

I personally wanted to thank everyone who came out for the party on Saturday. I had a blast and also had a great hangover on Sunday-Thank god for the bloodies,…buddies. Good times and good vibes! For those of you who missed it-You’re GAY.

Also, thanks to Deb and Gracie for the great gifts-You guys ROCK!

See you on the Southside bitches!

James

http://www.fatfendersgrilleandsaloon.com/

All you bitches are invited to come party and hang with the dirty pirates!

Additionally, we will be rolling out da newest Primalfly schwag, so come git some!

When the bar closes, we are all heading back to Snyder’s crib only 1/2mile away.

We will be investing in all new saltwater shit and also looking forward to stompin some Grassie’s, peacocks, tilapia, and largemouth at the nearest golf courses.

So, this move is going to be a bitch like any, most of our shit is packed and we will hit the road on OCT 16th. Part of our journey will have us stopping in Austin, and The Big Easy to ingest some of the local culture and wet a line when the time permits. The paperwork has already been started on our concealed weapons permits and we have been out shoppin for the right gator piece. I was thinking a nice light 380, Teasdale disagreed and said-”Go Bigger”

photo compliments of Alex Landeen

We would like to take this opportunity to reach out to other salty fly fishing bitches in the Tampa area in hopes to expand our network of sin and debauchery. Shoot us an email and we can start planning a mission of saltwater bliss!

We will miss all the peeps in D Town and all the unrelenting smelly of the Platte River. Not too fear young lads, the Primalfly compound 1 still exists and we will surely be back to continue our plight. Butters and Gracie will be holding down the fort while we bask in the warm winter Florida sun admidst turquoise blue waters and miles of gingerly salt flats. Ahhhh….So nice.

Not too worry, they had good reason to miss roll call and show up late at their beats. The Primalfly pre- game party lasted till 5am friday night before the tournament. Luckily, fat guy Alex was in tow for the entire event to visually document the entire debacle. Here is a link to additional photos.

As a result of poor fishing performance at the slam, Snyder decided to head out on his birthday for redemption, packing the heavy artillery-Barry Reynolds and Butters Luna. We did fairly well, Barry landed a fish from on top of a 50 foot bridge-crazy. Luckily, Snyder was using Jake McKittricks crayfish pattern and it clearly saved the day-Thanks Jake! Here are a few photos of the day-

So with a good day of fishing…The crew decided to celebrate Snyder’s old age and contribute to his pirate like behavior. We all made it home safely….

In other breaking news…Primalfly has added a Whip to the herd with broader clearance for milling down unsuspecting trout snobs and other wise cyberfisherman. And yes, the rednecks are jealous!

Stay tuned for more…BITCHES!

A farewell from Cletus the banjo player

As I prepare for my departure from the fly shop manager life of riches, fame, and glory, I’d like to get something off my chest. Its a small list of requests, suggestions, rants and facts directed towards the every day fly shop customer. New and old, rich and poor.

1. Under no circumstances enter the shop and let the first words that roll out of your obviously silly grill be, “So whats hot”. Stop and realize what an open ended statement that is. Try saying, “Hey I’m not as awesome as you, and therefore know nothing, I promise tidings of beer and my hot sister if you teach me your ways”. Watch what happens then you [REDACTED] [REDACTED].

2. Don’t complain about the price of flourocarbon, it makes you look like you don’t know what you’re talking about.

3. If you rip your brand new Cloudveil waders on a piece of barb wire its not my [REDACTED] fault.

4. I really don’t want to hear about the 20 fish between 12 and 18 inches you caught on the Arkansas last weekend. I’d honestly rather chew glass than listen about all the small fish you and your buddy caught “on the dry”, “it was epic bro”, [REDACTED] gag me.

5. Just because you know some guy who guides for some shop I’ve never heard of doesn’t mean you get the “bro hook-up”.

6. No matter how many fish you catch, it doesn’t make you any less of a douche for wearing that bright orange Simms vest.

7. Wet fly is no longer an acceptable description of a nymph. Period.

8. If you are going tarpon fishing but don’t want to spend “a lot of money” on gear…….don’t go tarpon fishing.

9. Step into the 21st century folks! We have better fly patterns than the Orange Asher and the Royal Coachman nowadays. Buy a [REDACTED] extended body Beatis that flaps its own wings with the help of a microchip and nano-motors. Geez.

10. And finally, people please, PLEASE!!!!!!! Replace your fly lines more than once every 5 years. Most of us replace it yearly, hell, I replace mine quarterly. The reason your line doesn’t float, is because you have been stepping on it for a year and never cleaned it. Its not the line company’s fault. And it sure as hell isn’t mine. Its yours.

There it is. Lets work towards nirvana in fly shop employee-fly shop customer interactions. I leave this list in hopes that it will one day help the brothers working the long hours listen to people bitch about something they know nothing about. And here’s to humidity, sand, gators, and redfish. I’m out with no more time left for lip service.

Cletus

Derrrrr, ner nerrrrr nerrrrrrr, ner ner ner ner, a dink a der ner ner ner nerrrrr nerrrrrrr

The Denver fly-fishing community suffered a great loss this week with the passing of Sawan Nail (weblink).
A great friend and regular guide of Discount Fishing, he was taken from us rather suddenly on Monday Night.
Sawan was a great fisherman and a great guide. He did extensive work with Casting for Recovery(link). He is survived by his wife Noel, his many friends, and the countless people whose lives he touched along the way. He will be missed by many and his perpetual smiling face is something that I personally will miss greatly.

The Primal Fly family and friends are auctioning off a TFO Bob Clouser rod in a 8′9″ 8wt with a Retail value is $199, and we will marry this rod with a 3.5 Lamson Guru ($219). If you are looking for a new carp stick and would like to help support a great guides widow, here’s your chance. Please bid generously as all proceeds will go directly to Noel. Leave your bids in the comment section of this thread, and the auction will end in 7 days of this posting( Please be sure to include your email address). You will mail a check directly to Noel Nail, and I will ship the rod out to you. Thanks for your support in this matter.

Please feel free to visit www.sawannail.com to make donations and express your condolences. I’m gonna miss you buddy, but I know you are up there banging 30 inch browns in the most money river you’ve ever seen. Tight Lines my man. See ya soon.

Our hearts are with you on your next journey,
Tom and the rest of the Primal Fly team

Special thanks to the Folks at Lamson and TFO for their kind support!