A frightening trend has reared its head among the ranks of Colorado fly-fishing guides. “Real Jobs”. I can find one example of this within the first 3 contacts in my cell phone and probably another every 3 after that. I am not sure what started this trend, maybe it was the bad economy. But it’s sad and it has to stop. Guiding has more recently become a lifestyle job, with all the pro deals, shows, free schwag, fame, and glory. Why anybody would want to leave a life of no money and fishing for a life of suits, a koosh bank account, and Starbucks is beyond me. Yet more and more guides are trading in their waders for a Kenneth Cole pinstripe. My opinion is this, these guys are getting older and are starting to worry about their future. Fret not my compadres, here is your solution. STOP WORRYING! Go get a Pabst out of your otherwise empty fridge, dump your harpy girlfriend, and keep fishing. I know, I know. Sounds difficult. But, below I will outline an exit strategy for you. Just in case you too were thinking about getting a real job.
First of all, the drinking. This is very important in the life and times of a fly fishing guide. This is the only thing that keeps us sane after a day of telling some douchebag he needs to mend all day. Keep this up, 10-12 beers a night minimum is needed. What ever you do, don’t start drinking Comos and Martinis. This not only makes you a queer, it is also the first sign of becoming a douchy suit who fishes on the weekend, you deserve to get teabagged. I can’t stress this enough, just because you used to guide doesn’t mean you can’t become on of those guys with the Mercedes SUV and a box full of midges. So, in closing on this issue, drink heavily my friends.

Numero Dos. That annoying parakeet you call your girlfriend. “You don’t make enough money”, “Your friends are alcoholics”, “You just went fishing yesterday”, “We cant afford a seven thousand dollar raft”, “Another fly rod?”. All of these statements have rolled out of her good-for-one-thing lips in one form or another. Do you really need to hear that? Shes working a 9-5 at some real estate firm, and you guide. Shes pissed at you for doing what you love. If she could shop for shoes and get paid everything would be fine. You are happy, shes miserable. That’s not okay in her eyes. She wants you to be as miserable as she is. Here’s what you do. Don’t do anything crazy like lighting her car on fire and tell her “I fish when I want you whore”. Simply tell her its not working out and ask her for her hot best friends number. This will surely enrage her. And who knows, maybe she’ll be so pissed she say something like….”You want her number you asshole, here it is!!!!” Have a pen ready at this point. Problem solved. Now go to the nearest bar and take home the cougar who really wants to learn how to fly fish. Done. (I am an expert on this, Cougars first, then flyfishing).

And last but not least…..KEEP FISHING!!!!! One thing I see all too many guides doing is just guiding and not fishing for themselves. This makes you forget why you started guiding in the first place. I recommend an extended vacation within your home waters. AND…. a trip to the tropics. This will invigorate your fly-fishing desire, and send you back into that on-fire state you experienced when you first started. A plea to guides all across the country…..GO FISHING!!!!!!!

There it is. I hope this helps you in your quest to become succesfull and affluent. So forget all that, and keep fighting the good fight. Your sanity is worth more than $100K a year and a company car. And if I see you on the water, pulling up in your Mercedes, wearing a tweed jacket, don’t be surprised if I mercilessly ridicule you, kick your ass, and take your mom out for a seafood dinner.

Your Saviour,
Tommy “Tits” Teabag Teasdale

P.S. We still think you’re cool Tim.